Losing a parent as an only child

Losing a parent at a young age feels a bit like lifting up a manhole cover and entering a parallel world where everything is the same, has changed irreversibly and there’s someone missing who should still be there. 

Though events such as having your first cup of tea or your first shower since your parent has died are a drop in a very big, very murky ocean, at the time they feel poignant. The octopus-like nature of loss means it reaches far beyond the physical absence of the person, but however the death of your parent affects those around you, it’s your head that sits on your shoulders. 

So, if loss is simultaneously shared and personal, being an only child makes these factors collide like dodgems. 

Whilst statistics show that being an only child is set to become more common and even the norm, for anyone who is in the 18-34 demographic today, growing up as an only child likely meant that we were the exception: I can think of myself and one other girl in our year group who were only children. 

As an only child, you have probably encountered assumptions that you’re lonely, spoilt, selfish, boring or socially awkward. I can’t speak for every only child, but I’ve found these stereotypes to be largely untrue. 

Not having siblings never impacted me growing up, because I didn’t know any different. As I’ve got older, being an only child has made me realise that I don’t need lots of external influences or validation, which has built my mental strength, both positively and negatively. 

But, when the guillotine of loss slices up your life path, remembering that you’re an only child forces you to confront the fact that you can’t turn to siblings for emotional or practical support when your parent dies. 

I’ve compiled a list of things to consider if you are an only child and grieving your parent that I hope will help: 

• Siblings don’t always get on. Fact. I’m sure most of us have heard (or experienced) disagreements between siblings that are far deeper than your older sister taking too long in the bathroom before school. Money, marriage, children, divorce, wills, caregiving and just about any other topic you could think of are fuel for arguments. Being an only child eliminates that. 

• Something often overlooked is an age difference. For instance, if you’re at sixth form or college and your older brother has finished university and your younger sister is at secondary school, there’s a big variation in life experiences. Thinking back to how much you mature during those years, you can perhaps recognise how that would relate to losing a parent. Younger teens may be more resilient if they have the distraction of school and the university leaver might not come home because they’re starting a new chapter, leaving you alone in the middle. Of course, this is hypothetical and age won’t always have a bearing on grief, but being an only child also removes this factor. 

• Grief is like a colour wheel and if you did have siblings, your grief would be a different shade to theirs. Some people are broken for life, some are numb, some are angry, some distract themselves and so on. Even with siblings, there is no guarantee that you would all share the same intensity of grief, which could make you feel as alone as being an only child. 

• If your parent has a surviving spouse or partner, you might presume that all their children/step-children will pull their weight, but it’s not always the case. One child may end up doing the lion’s share of the ‘sadmin’ because they’re emotionally stronger, closer to the remaining parent or because their siblings let them do it. If you are an only child tackling ‘sadmin’ with your other parent, try to share the load. For example, if you’re more online savvy but your parent is better at organising, work together to get things done to minimise added stress. Remember, closing down somebody’s life is very distressing and if you or your other parent can’t face doing something, always ask for help from a person you trust, a solicitor or an official organisation like a bank or energy company. 

• If you live at home or close by to your surviving parent and your siblings don’t, you might feel like an only child. Though they may descend on the family home in the early stages, work commitments will invariably take them back, leaving you to grieve and support your other parent on your own. 

I’ve always been aware of my only child status throughout my life but something as huge as losing my Dad at a young age has put pressure on it. 

They always say that you must accept the things you cannot change and whilst some would argue that you can always make changes to your life, we only children have to accept that it is impossible for us to conjure up siblings. 

Being an only child, whether you are single, in a relationship or married with or without your own children, always has the potential to make grief more isolating. We look to our parents for love and guidance and when that gets cruelly ripped away, our existence as lone souls implodes and explodes. 

My advice to fellow only children is that loss is personal and being surrounded by brothers and sisters wouldn’t alter how you feel about your parent dying. 

As your life has always been sans siblings, you are probably more emotionally self-sufficient than you think and having to stand on your own in hard times takes a lot more courage than relying on others.