Supporting the parent left behind.
When we lose a parent, there can often be a shift in dynamics among other family members. Naturally, a gap forms - a space your person once occupied - that came with habits, rituals, and responsibilities that are now trying to be filled by other people.
This could be as simple as who empties the dishwasher, sorts out the wifi bills, or dictates where the next family holiday will be. But even these little tasks, that can seem relatively menial, play a big part in how a family functions. Losing that one member can alter the chemistry of your clan, throwing things off balance and changing the very functioning of your family unit.
Losing a parent at a young age can be hard for so many reasons. It can be especially difficult because of the way it forces you to grow up so quickly. Your freedom, carelessness and general optimism at the world and the future becomes tainted. While dealing with all the emotions and challenges that the feelings of grief bring, you’re also trying to navigate your new role in the face of loss. Where you once felt like a child, very much under the care of your parents, you may feel that you now must ‘step up’, and fulfill a more adult role to make up for the empty place at the dinner table. Or perhaps you never felt cared for, and now you’re questioning how you should act now one of your parents is gone.
Suddenly, things we once didn’t need to worry about are now our own problems. And there’s no easing into it either.
Even as an adult, sometimes we just want to be the child. To be scooped up, held, and told it’s okay to be sad. But sometimes, this doesn’t feel all that easy. Ideas of ‘staying strong’ and ‘stepping up’ stop us from actually feeling the things we need to feel. We have the urge to protect the other members of our family, and try to create a semblance of normality even though life has been fundamentally changed.
When there’s a parent left behind, we might feel like we need to be their support. We of course want to be there for them, help them in useful ways and try and make life a little less painful - it’s our instincts. But as sons, daughters, and children, it is not our responsibility to be our parents' whole support system. Even in the face of loss, let your parent still be a parent.
Every relationship is different, and will respond differently to a loss, but suppressing your own feelings to protect your parents’, is not helpful for either of you. If you’d like to think of ways to actively help them if you feel able to, focus instead on tangible things that take the burden of responsibility off of them just a little bit. This could be a practical task like making dinner, doing the food shop, or walking the dog, or it could simply be just sitting with them on the sofa in the evening.
Just like you, your parent will be on their own grief journey and it’s important to remember that the way you grieve will look different. Where you may want to be around other people and be distracted, they may want to spend more time alone - or vice versa. Try not to second guess their feelings, or assume they are struggling because their grief doesn’t look like yours. However, if you are worried, reaching out to a loved one to check in with them can be a loving way to make sure they’re coping. Try sharing memories of your mum or dad, bring the conversation back to them and involve them in your routines. As hard as it can be to say their name and remember them, it’s keeping their memory alive while also validating the rest of your family’s feelings.
Adjusting to new dynamics can take time, and every family member is changing to accept this new loss. But always remember it’s not your responsibility to be your parents' whole support system. It’s not all down to you. While the landscape of your family has undeniably and fundamentally changed, it’s a change you are collectively experiencing. By sharing the load, offering your presence, creating new traditions and honoring old ones, you can rebuild a sense of family and support for your parent as they grieve alongside you.
