Supporting your partner after the loss of a parent

When my partner’s dad died, I was 18 and he was 20. Neither of us had experienced a loss like this, and none of our friends had either. I had no experience of how to support someone and, at the time, there was nothing online to steer me in the right direction. We’ve now been together for 8 years and I have learnt so much and there are things I wish I’d done differently at the beginning, so I thought I would share 4 key things. 

Meeting them where they are

For me, one of the most important lessons has been to meet him where he is. 

At the beginning, I put so much pressure on myself because he didn’t want to talk about his dad in any way. I knew that everyone grieves differently but I found it hard when people would ask me ‘How is he coping’ or if he speaks about his dad.  

I never said this to him at the time, but I felt like I was doing something wrong like I wasn’t a person he wanted to open up to. When really this was just his way of dealing with grief. It took him time to be able to speak about his dad and that’s okay. He now talks about memories and funny stories or little traditions they had. 

I think it’s important to not rush these moments, they will happen when the person feels comfortable and ready. Meet them where they are, if they need time, give them time, if they want to talk about it, give them space and listen. 

Sometimes there’s nothing to say

I’m a fixer, I like to help people find solutions if they have a problem. But that’s the thing about grief - you can’t control it and there is no solution. 

Sometimes there is nothing you can say because you can’t bring that person back. However, you can support them in different ways. Sometimes all you can do is just be there. If they want to cry, if they just want someone to sit in silence with or if they want to vent, just be there and listen. You’re not going to have the answers and they don’t expect you to. 

Talk about it

We were the first in our circle of friends to experience this kind of loss, so I felt as though I didn’t have anyone to talk about it with. I found it difficult to talk about it because it wasn’t me who should be upset, I didn’t want to make the situation about me. In the first few days, I felt like I bottled so much up because I needed to be there for him and it all came out after the funeral. I just got back in my car and cried because I was overwhelmed. 

Keeping it in just makes it harder and when you do speak about it you often feel a lot lighter.

I’ve found, over the years, that speaking to my mam about it is really helpful. She knows my partner and she’s been there through the whole journey. Finding someone who can just listen is so helpful. I realised that I often didn’t need advice, I just needed someone to be there and someone I could go to and just say ‘I’m finding it harder today’. 

Educate yourself

When my partner lost his dad, there wasn’t much out there on losing a parent or grief in general. But now I know about more charities like It’s Time, as well as podcasts and books. I put time in to educate myself on grief. Listening to other people's stories can help you feel less alone and can help you find tips or advice that you can use. 

None of our friends had gone through something like this, so it was a lonely experience. I didn’t really have a network that I could go to when I felt like I was struggling with something or I didn’t understand. But there is so much out there now, and even 7 years on, I still like to keep learning and keep understanding. 

I think the main thing I’ve realised is there is no perfect way to support them, grief is always changing and you just have to keep learning with them. I think even going online and looking for articles like this shows that you care a lot, and that is the most important thing.