Reconnecting and rediscovering
When I was young, I loved nothing more than looking to the future. What would I become? Who would I be? Would I break the world record for the amount of build-a-bear teddies owned by one person? The world was full of endless opportunities.The future was exciting. But after losing a parent, the world can feel more hostile. Life can feel colder and more harsh. Perhaps this is also a result of getting older - realising the innocence of childhood is gone, and adult life is somewhat less forgiving.
The past few years, I find myself living more and more in the past. The hazy memories of childhood dripping in nostalgia seem far more appealing than a future without my dad. After he died, I found it increasingly hard to connect with the hopes and dreams I’d always had. The future I had written out for myself where my family was complete, alive, and well, was suddenly impossible.
Even if we don’t realise it, we grow up with a plan for what our lives will look like. For many people, this means assuming you’ll have your family around you, lovely friends, maybe a job you enjoy (if you’re lucky!). These are all ‘assumptions’ that we carry through our unconscious, childlike minds. It’s the safety net we think we’ll always fall back on, allowing us to confidently look into our future without fear.
After losing a parent, this ‘safety net’ is suddenly pulled from underneath you. Nothing is certain, and having to look into a world without your loved one can be daunting, overwhelming and heartbreaking. We can’t be prepared for this, nor can we neatly pencil it into our five-year-plan.
Maybe you had a big dream for your future, but right now, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. When you’re grieving, getting through another week is an achievement in itself, and quite frankly there isn’t the headspace to think about tomorrow, let alone years down the line. Perhaps your dreams have changed since you lost your person. You’re having to re-write a future without them, and naturally, this might change some of your hopes or aspirations for what is to come.
I sometimes miss the parts of myself I’ve lost to my grief, and resent the way I’ve been forever changed. Things like a reduced capacity, feeling overwhelmed, less social, and more tired are all extremely common physical effects that sometimes accompany a loss. It can be easy to look back on life before you knew grief - when life seemed easier - and wish you could get that person back. I have to remind myself what my grief has given me, and with the bad and the ugly, also comes the good. It doesn't always feel natural to name these things because ultimately, I’d trade them all to have my dad back, but in order to embrace our new selves, it can be helpful.
Grief changes you as a person, and we need to take some time to get to know ourselves again. But the good news? Dreams are always there waiting for us. There’s no rush, and there’s no race. While the dreams you had before might not be achievable in the same way, perhaps there are new possibilities that have emerged through your grief. Maybe it's about finding meaning in your loss, helping others, or discovering new strengths and talents within yourself.
This is where we find ourselves again, stronger, braver, and forever marked by the love that will never truly fade.
