Kalpana’s story

I Was 27… and Everything Changed.

I was 27 years old, looking forward to getting married.

It was me, my mum, my dad, and my two sisters  both already married. It felt like it was finally my turn. There was excitement, nerves, and a quiet sadness too… because I was a real daddy’s girl, and the thought of leaving home felt bigger than I ever expected.

Six weeks before my registry wedding, everything changed.

A Day That Started Like Any Other;

That morning felt normal. I was at work, laughing with colleagues after losing my earrings… and then my car keys. I remember joking, “Things always happen in threes… what am I going to lose next?”. I had no idea what was coming later that day.

I came home that evening, excited to receive a parcel  my wedding outfit samples from a designer in London. My dad had just come back from work. He had recently started a new job as a meter reader, something I had helped him find after he was made redundant from his welding job.

He needed purpose again. And this role suited him  he loved walking, being out and about. My mum mentioned he wasn’t feeling too well. But my dad had never been to the doctors in 56 years. So in my mind, I brushed it off.

“He’ll be fine… it’s Dad.”

I sat opposite him, holding my wedding samples. I remember thinking he didn’t look right. He looked darker than usual, sweating heavily. told him to go and lie down. Before he went upstairs, he asked me, “Can you put my meter reader down for me?”. So I did.

The Moment Everything Changed.

I checked on him shortly after, gave him some water, and came back downstairs. I rang my friend and said,
“Dad’s not too well, but it’s Dad  he’ll be fine.” I told her I’d get ready and head over soon as she was having her pre-wedding event.

And then… everything changed.

My mum screamed. It’s a sound I will never forget. I ran upstairs, and in that moment, something inside me just knew. I won’t go into detail, but I asked my mum to step out. I couldn’t bear for her to see him like that. I dragged the phone into the room  this was over 20 years ago so cordless phones were not the trend and called 999.

I followed every instruction they gave me. Trying to help. Trying to hold on. And then the ambulance arrived. But deep down… I already knew. I remember holding my dad’s hand… and feeling it change. From warm to cold. And in that instant, I knew. That feeling has never left me. My dad was gone. He was 56.

When Life Carries On Without You;

My whole world collapsed. And yet, life didn’t stop. I was getting married in six weeks. I had an incredibly supportive partner, but my mind wasn’t on the wedding  it was on my mum.

How was she going to cope? How could I leave her? How do you step into a new life when the one you’ve always known has just been taken away? I was a complete mummy and daddy’s girl.

And suddenly, everything had changed.

Trying to Be Everything to Everyone;

Looking back, I don’t think I truly allowed myself to grieve my dad at the time. There was always something else.

A wedding to get through. A new family to step into. A daughter to be for my mum. A wife. A daughter-in-law. A professional.

I was travelling a lot for work, and if I’m honest, I didn’t feel supported by my employer at that time. Even my honeymoon was hard. All the adrenaline from the wedding, and then suddenly, silence. That’s when it hit me again. The stillness, the absence, the reality that he wasn’t coming back.

I remember dreading going home not because I didn’t want to see my mum, but because I didn’t want to face her pain.

At the same time, I was stepping into a new family, wanting to be a “good” daughter-in-law. My in-laws were kind and supportive, but even simple things  like hearing religious songs would hit me deeply and take me straight back to that dark place. Grief doesn’t ask permission, it just arrives.

The Grief I Didn’t Know I Was Carrying;

My dad never saw my wedding. He never met my children. He never became the grandfather I know he would have been. And I carried that quietly for years. I became emotional at the smallest things, often not understanding why. But now I do. Because grief doesn’t disappear when you ignore it. It waits.

Becoming a Mum and Finding Something to Hold Onto;

When I had my first son, something shifted. He gave me a new focus. A reason to keep going. But even then, I don’t think I fully processed my dad’s loss. There was always something else to do, someone else to be strong for.

Grieving Again… Years Later

Fast forward to now and I’m 50. I’ve recently lost my mum, very suddenly. She was 79, and she was my world. For 24 years after my dad passed, everything revolved around her. And now she’s gone too. And this time I’ve felt everything.

Because the truth is, I don’t think I ever fully grieved my dad. I was too busy surviving, too busy holding everything together. Now, I find myself grieving both of them. And that has been one of the hardest realisations of all.

From Grief, to Something Gentle;

Out of all of this, something quietly began to grow. The Chai Circle.

A space I wish I had when I was 27. Not counselling or therapy. Just a gentle, human space. A space where you can sit with a warm cup of chai (tea), and simply be. Where you don’t have to explain your grief. You don’t have to have the right words. You don’t even have to speak if you don’t want to. Just being there is enough.

The Chai Circle was built on something very simple  the memory of sitting with my mum, sharing a warm drink, talking… or sometimes not talking at all, and still feeling comfort. That feeling of safety stayed with me. And now, I try to create that for others. We meet in small groups, listen and hold space for one another. No judgement. No pressure. No expectations.

Just people, coming together, carrying different stories, but understanding each other in a way that words don’t always need to explain. I’m still based in Leicester. I’m still growing this space. And I’m taking each day as it comes. But I know this  everything I’ve been through has shaped it.

What Grief Has Taught Me;

Grief has made me stronger but not in the way people often think. It’s made me more aware. More honest with myself. More protective of my energy.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to show up to everything. You don’t have to carry everything. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. And that is something I wish I knew at 27.

Keeping Their Memory Alive;

I now have three children. And they know my mum and dad through me. Through the stories I tell, through the memories I share and through the love that still lives in our home.

There was a time I couldn’t talk about my dad but now I can. And that matters.

If You’re Grieving…

There is no right way to grieve. And there is no timeline you are failing to follow. Grief doesn’t follow rules. And it doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It simply means you loved. Deeply.

A Final Thought;

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: look after yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Say no when you need to. Rest when it feels too much. And hold on to the people you love in whatever way you can. Because love doesn’t leave. It just changes form.