Freddie’s story

Hi, my name is Freddie and I lost both my parents to cancer before I was 23 years old. I lost my dad when I was 12 years old, after he had battled brain cancer for 18 months. At the same time, and before he was diagnosed, my mum had developed breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and was told that there was a 1% chance that the cancer would return. Fast forward five years, she was told she had secondary cancer and would only have six months to live. She managed to fight that diagnosis and ended up living for six years. 

My parents were really fantastic people who showed my sister and I so much unconditional love that I look back on so fondly. They also loved life and they packed so much into their lives, which has made me want to live life exactly the same. 

My journey with grief has completely changed since my Mum died especially. After my Dad died, I was young and probably didn't really understand what grief was and was to caught up in trying to be a teenager, but there would be times when I would grief heavily but that was because I had kept it to myself. 

Since my Mum died, I for years, wouldn't grieve properly. I threw myself into anything I could to not really think about it. It is only recently, and since I started talking about it openly in a public forum, that I have really started to manage my grief properly. It took me this long because again, I wanted to be a young adult, enjoying the life I saw my friends living, rather than being the guy whose lost both his parents. 

The difference between grieving when being an adult compared to a child is that as a child, you are swept up by adults/schools/charities who offer you the support you need when a parent dies. When you are an adult, those same support networks don't exist as much, because you are seen as an adult. This is wrong because even losing a parent in your 20s, has the same effect as losing a parent in your teenage years, as you still look to your parents for support then as well. 

My advice for a young person is to give yourself time. How I felt when my mum died especially, is completely different to how I feel now, but would I have thought that back then? No, I wouldn't have. 

I also think it's important to work out what you need to do to manage your grief. Everyone is different, some people manage it through exercise, some manage it through talking, but grief isn't linear so it's important to work out what is best for you. 

Finally, is to make sure you talk about it. We can feel like no-one wants to hear about it, and keep it bottled up but that is counter-productive to managing your grief. You'll also be surprised, when you do talk about it, just how many people care about you.