Eilidh’s story - Year 3

Year 3
I’m reflecting on 3 years without mum and I can’t quite believe it. The years of grief i’ve had have all felt really different, this year has been hard but mostly due to sadly losing my sister at the end of last year. Losing her, it felt like I was transported right back to day 1 of losing my mum while also simultaneously processing this new grief.

During this time I became quite unwell with clinical exhaustion, I used to think exhaustion was just being really really tired but no - I was wrong. I had been so intensely anxious for weeks that I woke up one morning and my entire body felt like concrete, all my muscles felt heavy and weak to the point where I was becoming out of breath after a few steps - it was really scary.

This is the side of grief that isn’t talked about enough - the physical side. Since losing my mum I have noticed I struggle with my memory more and this overall brain fog feeling. My capacity in general is much less than it used to be and for the past year I have been working on navigating the world with what I would call my ‘new’ capacity and that has been a big learning for me. I have learned I don’t have the same energy levels and social battery as I had before my grief and giving myself grace for that has been a journey.

One thing i’ve found this year is that I’m able to more openly and comfortably talk about my grief. This year for me has been the year for in person community, I made friends with multiple people who had lost a parent and being around people who just get it has really healed a part of me. It just shows the work that its time does is so important, community is everything. Grief can be extremely isolating so finding people who really know how painful it is to lose a parent can bring deep comfort, it certainly has for me.

I saw a clip of a comedian doing this bit on grief at one of their shows the other day. He was talking about grief and how the opposite of grief is forgetting and as painful as it is, if someone offered you the option of carrying the grief or forgetting - you’d never want to forget them.

—

Year 3
I used to think
remembering you every single day
was an alarm designed to remind me to feel sad
but now I see the magic in it
I get to carry you with me
wherever i go

some days the weight of you
pulls the tears right out of my eyes
and other days
my cheeks are sore from smiling
and through all my emotions you are right there
resting gently
in the back of my mind
always

grief is not glitter in the air
nor a rock in my pocket
it is the cook strait
and I am the ship

I have wanted so badly to dial your number
to tell you about the person i have become
instead i talk into empty space
pretending you are there
and sometimes if I shut my eyes long enough
it feels like you are

there are massive chapters of my life
you have never read
so many pages missed

but mum
when we finally meet again
what a beautiful, long yap
we are going to have