Eilidh's story - 2 years on

2 years on from losing Mum

I remember reading that a lot of people find the second year of grief harder, I'm not sure I did. I certainly didn’t find it easier but it was definitely different. Reflecting on my second year of grief in comparison to my first year I noticed a few things.

During the first year of grief I really struggled to remember things about my Mum and I felt really guilty for that and terrified I would never remember anything again. The other day as I was doing a food shop, my current favourite snack was on sale so naturally I bought 8 boxes of it. I laughed to myself as I remembered the time myMum bought 75 tins of beans just because they were on sale and I thought “yup, i’m my mother’s daughter”. I then smiled to myself as I realised then those memories were coming back. 

The first year I became so stressed about making traditions for anniversaries / birthdays / mother’s day and if I didn't have one I felt I wasn’t grieving properly. I now know you don’t need to do anything apart from what feels right for you and that everyone grieves differently. I’ve started buying myself flowers I would’ve bought for her on important dates and that's something I've found comfort in. 

They talk about 'the firsts' and initially I thought they would end after the first year, but they don't. The first year I felt a huge build up to the first birthday, the first Mother’s Day and the first Christmas and they were difficult in their own way. What I hadn’t accounted for in the second year of my grief were the other firsts: the first breakup, the first wedding I attended since my mum's, the first time hitting a milestone birthday. Now, I understand that new milestones will always arise and it’s okay to feel that quiet sadness when they do. I find comfort in the fact that whenever these moments pop up, my very first thought is of her. It reminds me that I carry her with me and in that powerful quiet way she is still present.

I found myself wanting to feel connected to the woman my mum before she had me. What was she like as a teenager? Who was she before she became my Mum? We often forget our parents had a whole vibrant life before us and I so deeply wanted to know more about my Mums. I recently reached out to her best friend who’s known her since high school and asked for some stories. Shortly after I asked, I received a long thoughtful well written reply and reading about what my Mum was like from being a bit of a rebel at school to her early family life was emotional. It felt like meeting a younger, complex version of her for the first time and it created a new layer of connection. 

I think about my Mum every single day, some days are heavy and hard while others are light. I don’t think that ever goes away but I also wouldn’t want it to and accepting that is how I will carry her with me.

Read Eilidh's first post here.