10 things I wish I knew after my Mum died

 1. Take your time – Grieving isn’t a straightforward journey. We get shown the grief stages in a curve that feels like a tick list, but that’s not how most experience it. I tried to rush through the stages of grief without really feeling or processing anything and it definitely didn’t help - it takes time and effort and that’s ok.

2. It does get better - Mother’s Day wasn’t a good day for the first 4-5 years, but it did get better. Allowing myself to embrace feelings whenever they naturally crop up helps ease the pressure on big days like Mother’s Day, her birthday and the day she passed away. I used to put so much pressure on myself the day she died, that I’ve gone up to the Arctic circle to see the northern lights and been to the lantern festival in Thailand on the day. At the time I needed to feel a closer connection and those trips allowed me to do that, 12 years on and I still think about her a lot, but Mother’s Day isn’t a bad one for me anymore.

3. They stay with you – Just because they’re not alive, it doesn’t mean you can’t have shared experiences. As I’ve grown into adulthood, I can feel myself grow into some of her attributes – her face shape and a drive to help others to name a few. She lost one of her best friends in her early 30s to cancer, as I’ve got to that age I’ve found myself reflecting on how she would’ve felt and in a strange way sharing that experience with her.

4. It’s fine to carve out your own path – It’s tough losing a parent young for so many reasons. One challenge I’ve faced is we didn’t get the chance to know each other as adults, so separating what I think she’d do in situations versus my own thoughts can be difficult. Over the years I’ve made that separation, but it did take time to feel comfortable being able to agree and disagree with someone who’s no longer with us.

5. You’re not always prepared – The intensity of losing a parent can hit you at times you wouldn’t expect. It can happen after a good or bad day at work, listening to a song I’ve not heard in ages and even in some of the best points of the last 12 years. She’s still a default person I want to tell good and bad news to and that can be tough sometimes.

6. It’s good to feel good – Early on, feeling ok with having a good time was tougher than I thought it would’ve been. Don’t be tough on yourself, if you’re genuinely feeling good just enjoy it – you won’t and can’t be sad forever.

7. Medical stress – My mum passed away from cancer at 50 years old. Like a lot of people who experience loss at a young age, I have my fair share of worry about my own health as well as feeling guilty that I’m still here and she isn’t. It’s really important to go to the doctors when you feel any symptoms and make sure to get cancer screening when advised to, but also be aware of the possibility that you might be a bit more worried about your health than others.

8. Getting help – Make sure to keep track of how you’re feeling. It’s very important to make sure that both you and others around you are aware of any signs of needing additional support with your grief. I ignored signs for a while, but a mate pointed it out to me and I got support from therapy which I found beyond helpful. Therapy and counselling are powerful tools for the right people, don’t discount them based on what you think it might be like – give it a go and see how you feel.

9. Communicate your needs – It can be a tough to chat about, but letting people around you know when and how they can support can be helpful. It’s really hard for people who haven’t been through early loss to understand how to support you, so even if you want them to sit and listen to you talk at them for an hour about it – let them know if you can. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it for a long time and that definitely didn’t help me longer term.

10. You’re not alone – Take opportunities to connect with people who’ve been through losing a parent. They’re the people who know some of what you’re going through, so connect with them through It’s Time or through the grief networks we signpost to on our website. Reading blogs/books and listening podcasts from people who’ve lost a parent can also help you feel like you’re not alone – we recommend podcasts over on our Instagram.