Untangling grief - anger
Throughout this new mini-series at It’s Time, we are tackling some of the more challenging sides of grief. Those feelings that perhaps we’re embarrassed to admit, or fill us with confusion as to why we feel them. Although we’re told that any feelings are valid when you’re grieving, sometimes it can be helpful to dive into them a little more, in order to understand ourselves and our grief better. So welcome to the series, where we’ll be delving into the good, the bad and the ugly sides of our grief, no matter how long ago you joined the club.
Anger
Anger can often feel like a misplaced emotion when it arises in the context of grief. We expect sadness, tears, confusion - but anger? Maybe you are a usually calm and contained individual, but since losing your loved one you feel this bubbling rage inside you that feels unfamiliar. Although it’s not necessarily spoken about, anger is an extremely common experience when it comes to grief and it is certainly not something to feel ashamed about. There are all kinds of reasons why you may feel angry, and this could depend a lot on your own experience and the kind of death you’ve gone through. But rather than suppressing the anger when it rises inside you, let's sit with it for a minute, and think about why we might have these emotions.
Where does my anger come from?
A good question to ask yourself may be: does my anger have targets? It may be that you’re feeling anger towards yourself, questioning if there was more you could have done. Or perhaps you’re angry at the universe or fate, for letting the world take away your person. It is also completely normal to feel anger towards your loved one, for leaving you behind. You may also just feel a ‘generalised’ sense of anger - it doesn’t need to be directed at something or someone to be valid, it’s okay if it’s just there in the background.
Our brains are processing immense amounts of information when it comes to loss, and there will be so many thought patterns and cycles of thinking that our minds are trying to work through. Be patient, your ‘pressure points’ may not come to mind immediately, but taking the time to give your anger some space can make room for these to arise when you’re ready.
Sitting with anger
Our instincts can be to run and hide from our anger, often because we’re convinced it’s the ‘wrong feeling’. But instead, allowing yourself to feel the feeling, asking some questions, and letting it settle, can be a helpful way to process our emotions. This doesn’t have to be a static exercise, and you can try making space for this feeling in whatever way works for you. This could be journaling, running, chatting to a friend or professional, or just on your own in a safe space. Let go of any judgement you’re feeling, and if feelings come up, let them float through you. Finding ways to healthily express these more complex feelings is a useful skill to implore in life, not just when it comes to grief. When you find what works for you, explore your anger, and use it as a tool to help you understand yourself and your own responses to triggers.
Practise self love
As always, be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate these tricky feelings. There will always be good days, bad days, and days that just pass by. Remember, there are always people who want to help you carry the burden - even if it feels too messy to share. Your anger may never fully disappear, but learning to become friends, instead of foes, with that emotion can help you to manage those feelings when they do arise.
Let’s normalise these taboo feelings when it comes to grief - there is no emotion too big or seemingly inappropriate. Make the space, share with people, and start the conversation.
