Navigating grief and going home from university

After losing a parent, being away at university can feel like welcome relief from many reminders and situations that can be overwhelming when you’re grieving. Life when you’re studying is more focused on socialising, studying, and desperately trying to make that last £10 in your account last the rest of the month, rather than death and grief. 

We become so accustomed to indepence, from doing our own food shops, and deciding what time we get up to, how we spend our money and what we do in our free time. For many young people, this can serve as a distraction that propels you along a bit during a particularly challenging time. Of course, you may not feel like this, and perhaps university itself feels overwhelming and challenging in itself. This is completely valid as well. 

For those who find being away studying as a relief from home life, the prospect of returning home over the Christmas holidays can be scary. I can remember the lead up to the first Christmas without my dad when I was living away from home. Everyone around me was talking about their plans for the festive season, and how excited they were to be back home for a little respite. Of course, I was looking forward to the fully stocked fridge, fresh washing, and the general lack of damp-smell-of-student-houses, but moreover I was terrified to be confronted by such strong reminders of death and grief. 

Having some plans in place to soothe and manage your emotions can be reassuring during this time, and so we’ve put together some ideas to try and ease this transition.

Managing reminders

Going home can mean being faced with environments, objects, or people that can trigger grief or reminders. These can be sudden, and often very emotionally challenging. Try not to be afraid of these feelings - however you feel is a natural response to your grief. Writing your feelings down, whether this be in a journal, or just on your phone notes, can help externalise these thoughts rather than keeping them bottled up.

Socialising 

Sometimes when you’re grieving, the last thing you want to do is see people and talk about ‘normal things’. But if you feel up to it, arranging to see friends that you’re comfortable with can provide a chance to leave your house and open up about things that you’re finding upsetting. Of course, you may not want to talk about it, and just want to enjoy some familiar company - trust your feelings and do what feels right for you. However, don't put pressure on yourself to do things you don’t feel up to doing, you know yourself best - and sometimes, an old film and bed can sound like the best idea. 

Release the pressure

There is so much pressure on Christmas, even if you haven't lost a loved one. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who’s struggling, or who’s festive season isnt sparkly and full of joy. Try and release the pressure - remember that what you see on social media truly is the highlight reel. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and with all their own problems. You’re doing the best you can right now, and that’s enough. 

Ditch the guilt 

It can feel easy to slip into patterns of guilt around this time of year. Perhaps you catch yourself enjoying the festive frivolities, or singing your loved one’s favourite carol without realising. Try and remember that grief and happiness can run alongside each other - they often run parallel. Just because you feel happy, doesn't mean you don’t still miss them or that it doesn't hurt anymore.  Always make sure you are prioritising your own well being and take the time to embrace the highs and lows of the festive season.

However you cope through this time of year, returning home after being away for some time can be challenging and it’s important to remind yourself of that. Take your time, remember your loved one, but remember yourself as well. Indulge in the things that you love, whether that’s a long walk, a good book, or a chat with a friend. Allow yourself space to breathe and to feel the spectrum of emotions. No matter how long it’s been, it’s okay that it still hurts. Let it hurt. You are not alone in your emotions, and as you navigate this delicate transition, remember your resilience, and that this too, shall pass.