Embracing Resilience
Life is constantly changing - from our routines and daily habits, to bigger things like where we’re living, or what job we’re in. As a young person, life seems to be in a constant state of flux at all times. Some people cope well with it. They’re able to embrace the uncertainty and adapt quickly to new routines. Others find change more challenging, and quite an unsettling and uncomfortable experience.
Losing a parent young is a life-change that no one can prepare you for. It’s different from moving house, or changing careers. It can emotionally uproot you in a way that most people can’t understand. When you’ve experienced change of this enormity, smaller alterations to life can feel monumental and hugely overwhelming.
There’s this fear that nothing can stay the same for long - it’s like you know the carpet is going to be suddenly pulled from under you, but you don’t quite know when. Hopes and dreams for the future are suddenly not promised, and even tomorrow can seem uncertain. Every change we experience leads to a grief of what we thought we had. Whether that be loss of a person, of health, of a job, or of independence. These changes can all bring up feelings of grief and pain.
After losing my dad, I often find myself clinging to the present - desperate for things to stay as they are. I tell myself I can’t cope with any more change. That I’m at my limit, and although things aren’t perfect now, at least they’re familiar. Any more disruption to my norm would tip me over the edge and I just wouldn’t cope. Making decisions, whether that’s what to have for dinner, or what job I should do next, becomes enlarged and seemingly impossible to conclude. However, it’s important to remember that loss naturally causes change. It changes relationships, moods, personality, dreams and ambitions, to name a few. This can have a huge impact on our everyday lives.
Maybe you feel like a changed person since you lost your loved one. I know the person I was before grief touched my life feels like a million miles away. I look back on the things I used to enjoy, or the decisions I’d make with ease, when now there are far more things I struggle with. It can be hard to see this change and feel the crushing weight of how unfair it all is. To keep on going everyday, not knowing if you’ll ever be the same again is draining and shouldn’t be underestimated.
But although change is uncomfortable, it’s painful and messy, it has made you more resilient than you realise. It might feel like you’re doing the bare minimum or simply just showing up each day, but the courage and determination it takes to just do that, is worth celebrating. Every change that life has thrown at you, you’ve survived. I’m not one to look for a silver lining when it comes to grief, but I know that experiencing the loss of a parent has made me a more compassionate person. Don’t get me wrong, I’d trade anything to have my dad back and therefore have the emotional intelligence of a 13 year old boy. But loss has changed me in some ways for which I’m grateful, and I find it helpful to remind myself of that.
Each day may bring its own challenges, decisions may feel overwhelming, and the future remains uncertain, but in the face of relentless change, I am reminded of the courage it takes to simply show up and endure. So, to anyone grappling with the unsettling nature of change, remember the journey you've undertaken and the strength that has emerged from the depths of your grief. You've come far, and that, in itself, is a testament to the resilient spirit within you.
