My Dad and I - Mia’s story

Hi! I’m Mia, I am nineteen and I lost my dad, Stuart, in June 2024. 

My Dad truly was larger than life, and he was my compass for every decision I made. His judgment was impeccable, and he was (almost) never wrong. He was incredibly hard working and a very generousperson. My Dad had a sense of humour like nobody I’ve ever known and could light up a room, though he would never have thought this of himself. He always encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone, to try new things and be the best version of myself.  

Above all, I would describe my dad as passionate. He lived and loved at full force. Everything he ever tried, he was immediately great at, and he tried a lot. Over the years we fished, rode motorbikes, went shooting, learnt instruments and languages, indoor skydived, made pottery and did so many more fun things as a family. For the last two years of his life, we had season tickets at West Ham. Though the wins could be few and far between at times, some of my absolute favourite memories with dad are game days. 

Losing Dad: 

In November 2023, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At the time, we were planning a family trip to Cuba for my dad’s 50th birthday the following March. None of us could believe that all my dad’sgoals and our dreams as a family would not come true.  

Until he started chemotherapy, my dad had seemed as strong and well as he always was. However, things changed quickly. It was devastating to see the strongest person I knew suffer physically and mentally. One of the hardest parts was that I had to keep living: working in my part time job, studying for my A-Levels, learning to drive etc..  

My dad was incredibly strong and determined. From the time of his diagnosis: we had another Christmas as a family, dad celebrated his 50th birthday, I turned 18 and passed my driving test, and we went on a couple of trips away. He also gave lots of his time and energy to his friends, setting up ‘Walk and Talks’ for them to talk about their mental health and spend quality time together. His dedication to me, my mum and his family and friends during that time speaks to the selfless and loving person that he was.  

I think a lot of people assume that because you know someone is going to pass away, you spend loads of time talking, reminiscing and coming to accept that their life is ending. This was not the case for me or my family. My Dad and I never discussed a future without him in it. When he passed away, 7 months after his diagnosis, I was devastated that I hadn’t asked him more questions or for more advice. I worried I would never know what to do in a world without him in. Over time, I came to realise that I already had the answer to so many of my questions, because so much of my dad lives on in me. 

My grief: 

When I imagined what my life would be like after losing my dad, I expected to feel sad, angry, confused, lonely, even depressed. Whilst I did/do experience these emotions, the biggest challenge that I face is anxiety. Suddenly, I found lots of daily activities much harder (going to university, being in contact with my friends, even just leaving my flat). I was constantly catastrophising that another terrible thing would happen. I had been embarrassed to admit how I felt because I worried that people would think I was not coping well. However, with the help of counselling and the support of my amazing mum, I was able to understand that this was normal, and I learned strategies to manage it. Whilst I still have lots of anxious days and periods of feeling down, it doesn’t limit my daily life in the same way.  

Ten months after losing my dad, my Grandad passed away suddenly. We were close and I loved him very much. He and my dad were very similar, and I saw him passing away as an extension of losing my dad.The experience of speaking at another funeral and watching my family change again brought up a lot of feelings and really overwhelmed me. I have continued to find that grief, in any form, triggers grief. It definitely is a journey, and one that I am still trying to navigate. 

On a positive note… 

Although I am devastated every day to be living in a world without my dad, the experience of losing young has shifted my perspective in ways I can be grateful for. I worry far less about superficial things and can keep focused on the bigger picture. I have found a new love for nature, exercising and enjoying my hobbies, which brings me so much peace. I am far more grateful and reflective than I was before – I appreciate my family and friends on a whole new level, and I know how lucky I am to have their support. Most of all, I have the best motivation to keep going, which is making my dad proud.  

My dad left behind an amazing legacy. Last year, his friends raised £6000 for MANUP? a men’s mental health charity, by walking a marathon in his memory. This year, I took part with them, and we fundraised £3000 for Men’s Minds Matter. Last January, we organised a race night which generated over £2000 for Pancreatic Cancer UK. Besides being so valuable to these charities, the events and the amounts raised show how much my dad was loved and how highly he was thought of. I still feel very proud to be his daughter.  

Finally… after dad passed, we found a list of little sayings or words of wisdom that he had written down when he was unwell. I would love to end my first post for It’s Time with this one: ‘If you are struggling, you are not alone, do not be afraid to ask for help.’