How to mother yourself - low effort self-care suggestions for mother loss

Brush your hair 

Taking a daily and often mundane habit and turning it into a compassionate ritual can be a good way to complete acts of self-care without needing to change your routine. Our lives are busy and often self-care is neglected due to a lack of time, which is exacerbated by grief, when taking care of ourselves can feel particularly difficult. When brushing your hair before bed, spend a little bit longer than usual on it and be gentle with yourself, as if you were brushing someone else’s hair for them. Not only is this a lower effort way of re-introducing self-care when life feels challenging, this can also be a great way to connect with your inner child as it is an act that a lot of us associate with being young and having our hair brushed by our mum. 

Give yourself a massage 

Grief can lead to us holding onto extra tension without realising it, so connecting with your physical body is a good way to relieve stress. Giving yourself a massage encourages connection with your body and doesn’t need to be a time consuming or high effort act of self-care. Try giving yourself a gentle massage on your hands or feet, focussing on where you feel tension. You could do this in bed with your favourite hand cream or moisturiser, or even whilst you’re watching TV. 

Run yourself a bath 

Baths can be like marmite but they are so great for stress relief, when tailored to you. There is a reason why running someone a bath is so often shown in TV and film as a gesture of love and compassion, as it offers a permission slip to do nothing but relax. Light a candle or use a battery powered lamp to create calm lighting and always have bubbles - a relaxing bubble bath or bath oil is a great way to introduce some calming aromatherapy into your ritual. Sitting in a tub of hot water can feel daunting if you know your mind is in overdrive, I will often watch something light-hearted on my ipad as a distraction if my grief has felt especially heavy that day. Choose a time of day that works for you, it doesn’t have to be an evening, block out the outside world and focus on your needs. 

Cook yourself a nourishing or comforting meal 

Not all meals have to be nourishing, pick something that’s going to bring you joy and comfort. It might be a meal that your mum used to make for you or it might be your favourite pasta dish that you cook when you have the time. At each stage in the cooking process, pause to remember that you are cooking for someone you love (yourself!) and pour this love into everything you do. Put in the amount of care and effort that you would if you were cooking this meal for someone else, or that your mother would do for you. 

Make yourself a mindful hot drink 

From the moment you switch on the kettle or coffee machine, block out the rest of the world. Hide your phone in a drawer for 10 minutes, you owe yourself a moment of peace. Try to avoid watching TV or playing music and focus on what you’re doing. Listen to the stirring of your

spoon, the hissing of the kettle and even tune into your slurps as you enjoy your first sip. Think about all 5 of your senses as you savour the experience, what can you taste? Can you hear any background noise? What can you see around you? What does your drink smell like? How does the mug feel in your hands? Make this drink feel like a ritual, you are stealing some calm in your busy life. 

Tuck yourself into bed 

Instead of jumping into bed and scrolling through social media, treat your bedtime as if you were a child being put to bed by their mum. You could try reading a story aloud, playing some relaxing music or tuning into a bedtime story podcast. Change your bed sheets so they are fresh, put on your favourite pyjamas and tuck yourself in right up to your chin. 

Give yourself some advice 

Using the words and perspective you think your mum would have, give yourself a pep talk. Writing can be a really effective way of doing this, but you could speak in the mirror if you felt comfortable doing so. You could also write yourself a card, if the thought of a blank piece of paper felt like a daunting starting point, or try using some journal prompts from online, to get you started. Talk to yourself like a loving parent would, reassure yourself that you’re doing your best and that everything is going to be ok.