Supporting a Grieving Friend on Mother’s Day - Lucy’s Experience
Write a card for them from their parent
This might feel a bit odd to do but writing them a message positioned from their mum or dad, is a way of keeping their memory alive. I have received similar gifts from friends in the past and seeing “from Mum” is a surreal but comforting experience. You don’t need to write a long message, just a gesture of love or support. If this feels out of your remit, a card from you will do just fine!
Thoughtful flowers are best
Flowers are often the go-to choice of gifts for grievers and it’s easy to see why, they can be sent with the click of the button and they are a visual reminder of life, not to mention a pretty way to brighten up the room. However, when you’re grieving and perhaps struggling with the basics of self-care, looking after flowers can feel like a big task. Especially, if everyone has had the same idea and your home now looks like a florist. Before you send flowers, think about whether that person would want flowers and if so, how you can send them in a thoughtful way. I’ve received sunflowers as a gift from friends before, as my mum used to buy them for me and this is a considerate and special way for them to let me know that they remembered something about her.
Avoid the cliches
“Think of the good times” or “She wouldn’t want you to be sad”
Although mostly well intended, overly positive messages can be frustrating to hear when you’re grieving. The reality is that it’s ok to be sad, it’s a huge part of grief, and showing typical signs of sadness (such as crying), doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten the good times. In fact, thinking of the good times can be more painful as it reminds us what we’re missing. Offering your genuine thoughts, rather than stock phrases that feel safer, is much more impactful, even if it’s simply validating the feeling that your friend is experiencing.
Take care of the practical things
No matter how long it’s been since someone died, grief can cause anxiety and avoidance around seemingly easy practical tasks. It’s difficult to ask for help when you’re grieving and already feel like a burden at times, so someone taking care of practical tasks, without being asked to, can be a huge help. Think about the person you’re supporting and what things might help them, for example, cooking, cleaning, shopping or admin tasks. If you’re not sure, it’s ok to ask them! Instead of saying “I’m here if you need anything”, try offering your support more explicitly, e.g. “I want to help you but I’m not sure how, what 1 chore/task can I take care of for you today?”.
Don’t try to fix their grief
Grief isn’t a problem that can be solved, it is a lifelong experience that ebbs and flows. Sometimes, it presents as sadness and that is completely normal and ok. When someone we love is sad, our instinct is to try and fix it because we care. Being comfortable with your friend’s
sadness may seem impossible, but it is a reality of grief and acknowledging their pain is a way of providing support. Try to think about how you can offer them comfort, rather than solutions.