Shannon’s story
My beautiful mom Jenny, departed this world in April of 2023 at the age of 50, following a lengthy battle with cancer. She originally got cancer at the age of 35 and it returned with a vengeance 7 years later. My mom was the strongest woman I ever had the pleasure of knowing and her death completely changed my life and my perspective on the world.
At the time of her death, I was 25 and just 7 weeks away from my wedding day.
I remember the mixed emotions of planning her funeral and the final plans for my wedding at the same time and the thing that stood out to me the most was the way that things change when you begin to grieve.
I had experienced loss before, but never to this extent, nothing as earth-shattering and life-altering as this, it changed me as a person. The reality is, losing a parent is like losing a safe place, it is losing a version of home that no longer exists and trying to comprehend that is enough to put you into a fight/flight panic.
During the weeks after losing mom, I observed a lot, taking in the way that people talk to each other and to the grieving person. I noticed the awkwardness from people and the sense that people were “treading on eggshells” unsure on what to say for the best. The reality is, it’s hard to talk to someone who is grieving, because naturally as humans we try to say something that will make someone feel better and the reality is, there is no feeling better in those early stages, and so words are so hard to find. My one piece of advice to someone who is looking after or reaching out to someone who is newly grieving is to not try and make them feel better. Just listen! Listen to hear, don’t listen to respond, truly just let that person talk and get things off their chest, let them be angry, let them cry or let them sit in silence whilst they comprehend their loss. Bring them food, bring them flowers. But please please, don’t say things like “they’re in a better place”, “they’re free from pain” because that was the number one thing that made things hurt more. I didn’t care if my mom was in pain, I just wanted her here, I would rather her have been here and in pain because she would still be here. I didn’t want her to be in a better place, I wanted her here with me!
Again, it’s tricky when you are trying to ‘help’ someone who is grieving. But please avoid comparing it to other things/making the person feel better. The reality is grief is tough, nothing makes it feel better, only in time do you begin to heal slightly and accept your new reality.
I miss my mom everyday and I know I will always live with what ifs in my head. The trauma of losing her will never truly be healed, but through talking, therapy and support from other people I no longer feel so alone in this world. I am a motherless daughter, but I will always be half of her and for that reason alone she will always live on in me.