Learning to live again after loss - Eleanor’s story

While this story, like so many starts with death, it’s actually about living and learning how to live again after death.

I’m Eleanor and a month before I turned 20 my mum died of secondary breast cancer. My mum’s journey with cancer started long before her death.

When I was 15 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. My family watched as my mum endured a mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and reconstructive surgery. Watching someone you love suffer in this way, at any age, is a truly terrible thing.

Despite all of this, my mum continued to make happy memories with us, she continued to find joy in life, to cherish me, my three sisters and our family. Her ability to remain positive for us, I believe, is a testimony to what an exceptional woman she was, and the power of both a mother and a parent.

In my first year of university, I was told that mum’s breast cancer had returned and this time it was terminal. Almost a year later, our mum was dead.

Up until the end of her life, our mum lived truly and fully. Reflecting on her death 2.5 years into my journey with grief, I now realise that in dying she taught me and my sisters how to really live. A final lesson from our wonderful mother.

The first few months after a parental loss you just focus on survival, getting through each day, making it to the end. Seemingly small acts such as getting out of bed and outside each day become achievements. At the beginning of grief, it is these small wins that matter the most.

By surviving these first months where the grief and despair is all consuming, you will be able to start living again.

Initially, after my mum’s death I was adamant, I would never be happy again, never celebrate again, never feel like me again. If she wasn’t here to be a part of it, I was determined I wouldn’t feel any of these positive emotions. I now think this determination was me fighting against the feeling that a part of me had died with my mum too. If you are feeling any of these feelings- I assure you, they’re only temporary and just a reflection of the love you feel for those who have died. As the famous saying goes, grief is love with no where to go.

Overtime, I returned to university, I returned to my friends, my family and I started living again.

This time I was living in a different way. Before my mum died, I was incredibly anxious about everything. Her death has taught me to be braver, to be bolder, to go after what I want- qualities that come with the education of grief. I can hear her shouting down at me ‘about bloody time’.

I am living again and so will you. In doing so I carry my mum forwards with me. Always.