Becky’s story
I was adopted when I was 11 weeks old. My mum passed away after a short 6-month battle with cancer when I was 15. My dad passed away from a pneumonia when I was 24. I am now an orphan.
They both lived ‘good’ ages. “They had a good life”, people would say, meaning well, but in my timeline, it wasn’t long enough. They will never see my future unfold.
Parental grief in your twenties is profoundly lonely. Every single decision feels exhausting when there’s no one to call for reassurance - down to what am I having for dinner tonight.
Becoming an orphan at age 24 wasn’t something that I ever could have imagined. Everyone around you seems to be celebrating some of the happiest and most exciting times of their lives. New careers, new cities, new houses, new engagements, whilst I feel encapsulated and frozen in time watching everyone sail off happily into the sunset.
As the initial raw sadness passed, grief shifted into feeling blunt and inconsiderate of others. It had ugly yellow teeth. It barked and then whimpered. It was guilt, happiness, anger, jealousy, sadness, envy, wrapped up into one tangled jungle that you're trying to pass through, keeping your head above the foliage and not letting darkness consume you.
These were unexpected aspects of grief, which I now call 'The Unspeakables' - a concept I learned through therapy with It's Time. I was tangled in 'ugly' emotions that felt shameful. Why do I feel this way about others' successes and time spent with family and friends? By identifying 'The Unspeakables' and giving them a name, it helped take away their power.
Grief also brings out unexpectedly beautiful relationships. A loss of this magnitude when you're so young really reveals some incredible friendships. I was amazed at my friends' abilities to sit with me through discomfort without trying to fix anything. These friendships have deepened in ways I could never have dreamed of.
Through grief, others created distance for reasons unknown. Sometimes it made me feel like an emotional grim reaper. I have learned that's not how you're meant to feel, and sometimes distance is necessary. Those who stand with you through the storm can enjoy the sunshine after.
I want people to know that shame can creep in, and that it's all part of loving someone so deeply. Anger is allowed. Jealousy is human when experiencing one of the most traumatic events of your life.
Moving forward, grief does not leave you. You learn to walk hand in hand with it. Love and loss. There is no 'right' way to feel.
The friends who have stuck by me have learned to love my new self. Grief has changed me as a person. I am still learning who I am, day by day. I am still learning how to be an adult and navigate this beautiful yet cruel life without my parents, my best friends and my biggest cheerleaders.
Just remember, you are not alone in this.